On The Brink of Divorce: Can These Marriages Really Be Saved?
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Identity and Limits
Yep, folks, it's another blog entry about a challenging-yet-victorious evening with my two young children. What can I say? I guess it's a topic with which I am thankfully becoming more familiar in my ongoing recovery from "Perfect Mother Syndrome."
So it was one of those nights: One of my children had been upset by something I had either done -- or not done -- which did not meet with his expectations, and I was doing my best not to react or buy into the power struggle. It took a great deal of energy, but I resisted the temptation to fight with him. Meanwhile, his brother was being easy-going and cooperative. I was very grateful for him "going with the flow," which I had begun to believe was just more "his nature."
By the time bedtime arrived, I was exhausted. After tucking in "Mr. Difficult" -- who had, incidentally, calmed down a great deal by that point -- I flopped myself on "Mr. Easy's" bed. I found myself really wanting to thank him for being such an easy child, and so I began our conversation.
"Sweetie, do you know what I think is the BEST THING about you?"
And his response stopped me dead in my tracks.
"I don't know, Mommy, is it the way I know how to jump rope so well?"
I was floored. Thank Goodness for what he said. I just stared at him and blinked a few times. And then, chimed in with, "Of COURSE that's it, darling. I love you. Goodnight."
I walked out of his room and was struck by an important insight. I had almost pidgeon-holed my little guy. If he hadn't stopped me with his innocent comment, I would have sentenced him to an identity as "the good kid" in the family. And why, do you ask, would that have been a bad thing?
Well, maybe not necessarily "bad," but certainly limiting. It occured to me that, first of all, in labeling one of them "the good kid," that would mean the other would automatically, in my thoughts and therefore, behavior, have to become "the bad one." In one fell swoop I could have doomed my children to extremely limited ideas of WHO they were. After that point, it would have only been a matter of time before these sweet little souls became self-fulfilling prophecies of these expected behaviors.
Wow.
It made me wonder about when I must have decided on the characteristics of my own identity...
"Outgoing," "Creative," "Hopelessly Unorganized," "Independent," "Sometimes Uninhibited," "Fun..."
Yes, I am all of those things. But I wonder if I might also be a champion jump-roper, had I not given up on that a long time ago...
Your Defenses Are Useless
My client shared a breakthrough he recently had: his realization of the hidden "payoff" -- or benefit -- to the Critic's internal and eternal rant. This was no small insight, since up until now, he believed the Critic was no good and had no purpose except to sabotage him -- just as the abusers had. But this conclusion never left him empowered, because it made no difference -- no amount of judging the Critical part of himself ever stopped his negative self-talk . In fact, concluding that the Critical part of him was "bad" only set up a vicious internal power struggle, like a tug-of-war between the Critic and the Authentic Self. Time and again, he found himself “trying to change,” and for a while, he would make some progress. But, the Critic always rose up when he least expected it and attempted to destroy any peace of mind or progress that had been made.
Today, my client made huge progress in really reversing this cycle. He realized that when he criticizes and tears himself down, he gets to "preemptively strike." To prevent anyone else from hurting him now, he does the hurting first. (Never mind that it is also he who is the victim of this -- minor detail --not that important to the Critic, because the illusion of control over the hurting is the hidden payoff, and it weighs much heavier than the cost of the resulting pain. And, he admitted, the pain of being hurt by himself is far less risky than any potential pain he could suffer at the hands of another.) Today, my client said he felt weary and tired of defending himself from this internal "ghost." He admitted defeat, stating that today, all of his defenses seemed useless. And he was right. In realizing this, he began to have a victory over the Critic’s perceived “control” over his life. Below is a portion of the email I wrote in response to my client’s insight that his defenses were useless. I wanted to share it because I think it has a wide range of applicability -- most of us have some version of this “inner Critic,” and most of us have developed survival skills designed to get us through life but not to really enjoy it.
Your defenses are useless. I am glad you finally get that. They are the leftover response you created to attempt to deal with pain from your past. But there is no such similar abuse going on anymore. The defenses you developed are outmoded now. They were minimally useful even back when you first created them, because they served only as a distraction. The preemptive strategy of hurting yourself before someone else hurts you, did not actually prevent your being abused at all. You still went through everything you went through. It was a temporarily successful distraction from what was happening. But it did not stop what happened. Your defenses made no difference in what you had to endure. You did not have any impact or power to change it, no matter how much you preemptively attacked yourself. This just gave you the illusion that you had some kind of control over a situation which was terrifyingly out of your control.
So, consider that the "payoff" we talked about may simply be an illusion of control, when there really is absolutely no control possible. During the abuse, you developed this as a way to get through something which was not tolerable any other way. But do you see that it was merely a distraction? A survival strategy? It was not actually successful at preventing any of what happened. I think it is really important that you face this: that no matter what you tried as an attempt to defend against it, it all still happened. This is a concept in that book you read a long time ago, about naming it and claiming it. Claiming it means that you look directly and honestly at what really happened, finally admitting it to yourself that despite all of your attempts to defend yourself, none of it actually worked. They have been a huge distraction, to keep you from looking directly at what really did happen -- to keep you from actually looking at it and "being with" your pain, defenses gone, just "being with" what it had been like to be treated the way you were treated and feeling your pain, unmasked, undefended, just being "present" to it.
It makes sense that you created this defense to distract from the pain. The pain was unbearable. And you probably thought it would last forever if you let yourself feel it. So, your preemptive strikes kept you from feeling your actual pain. But it was a distraction. It was not, in and of itself, a productive or successful defense at all, since what it attempted to defend against was not successfully avoided. The defense didn't work. And you are finally admitting that to yourself, all these years later! Since you are seeing for the first time that your defenses are useless, (that it was only an illusory distraction) doesn't it naturally follow to see that the Critic is not effective -- that nothing the Critic says or does works to protect you from or prevent pain?
In fact, the illusion of controlling the perceived threat of potential pain from outside of you is actually the one and only cause of your continued pain NOW. Now, can you see that the voice of this self-injurious part of you is definitely not “the Truth?” If it were, its methods would work toward its end. You would, once and for all, be free from pain and suffering.
Now, you can either continue to distract yourself from your pain, or you can let yourself finally and honestly feel it. If you choose to feel it, you will grieve a great deal, but you will most likely find that the pain does not, in fact, last forever. Bringing Presence to your pain allows for pain to transform. Eckart Tolle describes this as "conscious suffering" in the book "A New Earth." Being present to our suffering allows us to stop avoiding it, and therefore, stop avoiding everything else in our lives. Being conscious through our suffering (instead of distracting from it) allows us to use it as a tool for our growth and our spiritual releasement.
When it comes to suffering, we have two choices: suffering will either keep us unconscious, trapped in the infinite vicious cycle of denial, defensiveness and then trying to survive life and "get better" but ever doomed to repeat the suffering (because we are unconscious victims of the suffering), OR, suffering can cause the resurrection of our very spirit -- the initiation into our total Salvation. It can wake us up in our otherwise unconscious lives and allow us to finally GET IT that we are not our pasts and that we have not only survived, we can now be conscious in every area of our lives and create thriving lives. We learn to be conscious by getting practice in being conscious to what we have been avoiding through our so-called defenses -- our pain and suffering. Consciously suffering is the best way to learn to live consciously.
So, we all have a choice about what to do with our suffering. NOW that you know about the choice, you can be "Response-Able" over which one you choose. But just remember that you are at-choice here. Nobody is victimizing you NOW.
BIG LOVE
I had the most profound conversation with my son tonight. I am in total awe that I have this little sage in my life.
Tonight, my seven year-old son got very angry after he didn't get something he wanted. He acted really grumpy and belligerent for the next three hours, and this was a real test of my ability to practice all I have learned by studying "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Faye -- the key was to stay lovingly connected to the little guy, and not react. I just kept setting limits, "loving him through it," the whole time, being firm and consistent with my boundaries and telling him what would "work" for me, and not feeling angry myself.
He stayed at it for a grueling 3 hours, until just after I put him to bed. I was exhausted. When I tried to tuck him in, he wouldn't let me kiss him goodnight, and I told him that that was okay -- his choice -- no problem. I told him I loved him even when he doesn't behave the way I wish he would, and I closed the door.
Five minutes later, he softly knocked on the door to my room and asked if he could come in, to apologize. Of course, I said yes. He sat down next to me and listed off about 15 things he had done this evening that he knew were not respectful or kind. He said: "I'm sorry for talking disrespectfully to you at dinner Mommy, and I'm sorry for whining and not eating, and then fussing at you that I wanted dessert, and I'm sorry that I didn't do my homework and then later, got mad that I couldn't watch TV." He was clearly restoring his integrity. He really seemed to "get it," that his behavior had been his choice, and he was now taking responsibility for it.
Then, the conversation got even more incredible. After I told him I totally forgive him, I said, "Sweetie, can you tell me anything about what you were feeling when you were doing all those things?" And, he then admitted he had been angry about not getting to go to baseball practice because of the rain today.
I said, "Wow. That was 3 hours ago, buddy. You have been acting like it is still happening all night, even though it happened at 5:40."
He said, "Yeah, I know, Mommy. Sometimes when I do that, it's like, a different person is in my brain. It's like, I think really different, and I don't even feel the same, like I do right now. Now, I just feel love for you, but then, I thought all kinds of mean thoughts like 'you're stupid' and 'you're not pretty' and 'I don't love you." I then told him that sometimes I think really angry thoughts when I am mad. Then, I asked him if he felt any one of the "Selves" in his mind were any more real than the other.
He said "I know this is the real me, Mommy." and then, his eyes lit up. He said, "The MEAN part of me who keeps being mad at stuff even 4 hours after it's over doesn't feel any love and he just wants to hurt people. I wish he would just stay at school." We both laughed, and I told him that everyone feels angry like that sometimes.
And then, it got even more profound.
My son then put my hand on his heart and his on mine, and he said, "Mommy, can we just close our eyes and feel the love that we feel inside our hearts?" Of course, I was exploding out of my own skin with love for this little guy, and I answered a resounding "YES!" So, we did. We sat there for about a minute, just silently experiencing LOVE together, and then he said, "Mommy. Can we tell each other what our love feels like?" So, I went first.
I said, "Darling, my love for you grows in my heart until it is as big as my whole body, and then it fills my body up and grows as big as the world, and then it fills the world up and grows as big as the universe." Then, my son replied, "Mommy, that's how big my love is for you, too. You know, Mommy, if we popped that Big Love like a balloon over the whole universe, then everybody everywhere would get covered with it." I was ready to just melt into a puddle. The kid was slaying me!!! The possibility of LOVE for the entire UNIVERSE?!?!?!?
I said, "Yes, that's right! Wouldn't that be awesome to cover the whole universe with that Big Love?"
And then he said, "OOOOH, Mommy, I have a good idea. If we wrapped that "Mean" part of me up in that Big Love, like a big blanket, then the Love would get all over him, and he couldn't stay mad anymore. Then, we would have TWO TIMES POSSIBILITY, because my "MEAN self" would turn into the possibility of Love, too!"
My sweet little guy had just described the very act of transformation itself -- the act of transforming the self-centered Ego state into a state of Love and Connection.
I was stunned. I sat there and just took this miracle in. How could it be that at 7 years old, my son knows this?
Great News! It's Really All in Your Head.
My neighbor is an Orthopedic Surgeon, and when he noticed me wearing them, he dismissed them right away, stating that the relief I was getting was only likely the "placebo effect" at work. I smiled when he told me this because as a hypnotherapist, I happen to have a high regard for what the brain can cause the body to experience as a result of suggestion. I have been trained in and have seen the powerful results of the human mind's own ability to create desirable results without the aid of medication or other external forces.
Harvard University professor Ellen Langer is known for her research on the mind and how it impacts our lives. One of her recent studies looked at the power of suggestion to alter physical reality, and I found it fascinating! She studied a group of overweight hotel maids who, despite their very physically demanding jobs, did not seem to have bodies to match their daily activity, nor did they perceive that they were getting any significant fitness during their daily routine. She broke the maids up into two groups, and the first group was given the accurate, detailed information about precisely how much exercise and how many calories they actually burned each day on the job. The second group was not told anything. A month later, the two groups were measured and the findings surprised the researchers. In the first group, there was a significant decrease in blood pressure, weight, and waist-to-hip ratio — and a 10 percent drop in blood pressure.
I was not surprised by this study, by the way. I know, I know... you might be thinking that maybe the maids in the first group suddenly became more motivated to live healthier lives once they realized they were already getting exercise. But the researchers were assured the first group did not change their lifestyle. (You can read an article about the study at http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=17792517 if you'd like to learn more about it)
But you know what my response is to that? So what!
I don't really think it's relevant that the healthy changes may have come about as a result of the maids possibly unconsciously increasing their physical activity or eating habits. What I think is crucial here are simply the results themselves. It's pretty amazing to think that what it took for these women to begin having healthier bodies was just a little bit of information! Whether or not there had been a change in their behavior, the mental suggestion that they were already getting exercise caused a shift in their physical bodies. The suggestion either motivated them to start behaving in healthier ways, or it caused a psychosomatic response which acted as though they had changed their physical behavior. Either one is fine with me! Just look at the power of the mind at work!
The mind's power to change a person's perception, thereby changing their body and life itself is hardly understood today, since human beings use so little of it -- only up to ten percent, I believe, is what science tells us we use these days. And, the mystery gets even more curious when you consider that no study of the brain can occur without having to use a brain to interpret its findings! This can get pretty mind-boggling! (If you like this kind of paradoxical musing, you might really love watching the movie "What the bleep do we know?", which tackles the really fascinating world of quantum mechanics)
In my experience, the power of suggestion deserves a huge amount of respect. I have used hypnotic suggestions to help previously traumatized clients alter their entire life's script -- to stop living life as a victim and finally take ownership of life as an adventure. I have seen people overcome tremendous physical pain through the power of the hypnotic suggestion. I, myself, quit the insidious habit of life-long finger nail biting and even worse -- 7 years of cigarette smoking -- with the aid of hypnosis. It surprises me that Medical science has spent such relatively little time investigating the power of the placebo effect as a cure, considering the results we know are out there.
The reason the Z-Coils worked just didn't matter to me, it just mattered that they worked! It's pretty cool to think that someday with enough practice, I could skip buying the expensive, ugly shoes altogether and just eliminate my pain with my own thinking!
Falling is Learning...
So many clients end up in my office because of pain -- because their lives have become unmanageable and they need some relief from their own suffering. I understand this! I, too, have found the occasion to be sitting in a therapist's office, struggling with my own fears of sharing my life with a complete stranger, and desperately wanting to dump it all on someone, to leave all of my pain in the office and walk away happy, joyous and free...
Thinking back to last fall when my 6 year-old son learned to ride his two-wheeler bike without training wheels, I am reminded of the value of pain as a teacher in our lives. When my sweet little guy fell the first time, my husband ran over to console him, and after the tears and sniffles subsided, my son decided to get up his nerve to try again. My husband informed him that every time he fell, he would learn a little bit better about how to stay balanced on the bike. "Pay really close attention when you fall," he told him, "and you will be riding that bike in no time!"
And so, as he got back up on that two-wheeler, he began repeating this mantra out loud to himself, "Falling is learning... falling is learning... falling is learning..." He got up on that bike and after a few wobbley turns, my son was soaring all on his own! We cheered him on and I stood there, in awe of my beautiful little child's simple wisdom. Protected by his helmet, elbow and knee-pads, he faced his fear of being hurt by knowing that if he was, it would teach him. His desire to learn and have an adventure overcame his instinct to protect himself and stay "safe." This has since become a commonly heard story in my office with clients.
We can use my son's first bike ride to inform us on how to approach our challenges and adventures in life. Since that day, he has taken many spills -- most of them minor, but some of them more serious. Yet no fall has ever kept him down very long. He keeps learning and growing, and keeps getting back on his bike!